I recall in the Early Days of My Life …
I was Looking for Something, without
realizing I was Looking for Something.
In high-school, I hung out with a group of distracted mischevious trouble-makers. One evening, I sat down with a good friend amidst beer, cigarettes and Jim Morrison, and we began to talk. Somehow, our conversation drifted from the ‘usual’, high-school-age-kid-stuff, to stuff a little more ethereal and abstract.
We began talking about Time, about Space. About our place in the Universe. About the Apparent Emptiness of Things, the Vastness of the Unexplored.
I remember my Ears pricking up, like a German Shepard who finally hears a long-lost Voice.
Being a Kid and being a Boy, I had always listened to Boy Stuff. Whatever the Talk of The Time was: music, movies, dope, teachers, school, girls. But somehow we had wandered into New Territory: the unknown. Not only as a passing joke, but we both entered a place – albeit temporarily – of Earnest Enquiry. And we stayed there a while.
For some reason, of the memories we choose to accept and keep in Life, I kept that one.
There was something that transpired in that Simple Evening that nudged me, prodded me, began a Gradual Awakening that accompanied me for the Rest Of My Life.
There was something “inside” the familiar me I knew, something that was Waiting and Wondering and Wanting. Something buried quite deeply; it hadn’t been too noisy or problematic in my life. It rarely, if ever, had spoken. But this night, in a comfortable basement, with a comfortable friend, as Beer greased the wheels – just enough for a small opening, this thing inside of me had indeed Spoken, and was indeed Listening… and a Tiny, Tiny, infinitesimal seed received Water.
Since that Unremarkable and Remarkable Evening in my life, I’ve been a Seeker of Substance.
I go around in my Daily Life, as a Clark Kent of sorts, hanging out with whatever Lois is in my Lane, or whatever Editor will accept my Story of Who I am. But under it all, under the trappings of the Day-to-Day Concerns, there’s that Tree that has grown from that infinitesimal Seed. That Tree that knows of the Depth and the Beauty of Existence. That tree that has felt Feelings Spectacular. That tree that has seen the Extent of Hope, Peace, Glory, Joy, emanating from the eyes of others, the fragrance that permeates the Heart of Things.
Thankfully, there are humans I can share this joy with, this Discovery with. There are other humans also, who have discovered their own Empty Vessel and who have begun to fill it with what it was meant to hold. The emptiness, this particular Emptiness – one we call “thirst” – is not a bad thing, nor a thing to be ashamed of. Nor a thing to be avoided.
It’s actually a Carving Out by an Invisible Hand, of a space that’s meant to hold Beautiful, Beautiful Stuff. The Internal, Amazing, Magical and Concrete building blocks of Life itself. Perhaps you have to make space for them first, before they will enter, Shy and Silent Birds that they are. The “making empty” is a stretch for most people, because we have lived lives dedicated to accumulating Junk and filling emptiness with Addiction, Distraction and Styrofoam.
So, now … the vastness and emptiness of space, the longing enquiry of time, all the known that exists, and all the unknown that calls for it … all this is inside me. And I have the controls. The brake, gas-pedal and steering wheel. I have the faculty of savoring and understanding “emptiness”; I have access to the tap that transforms Emptiness to Fullness Overflowing.